I lost myself everytime I tried to fix the relationship, even after he betrayed my trust, even after he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.
I lost myself everytime I let my guard down, trusting him again when he begged for it, wishing he’d change at the end because he said he loved me, only to repeat the same toxic cycle.
I lost myself, trying to fix him — but I never realized that. cause I was too focused on someone else, instead of my own sanity, my own health.. or simply, my well-being as a human.
until one day he left,
and suddenly my whole world is on fire,
my body is malfunctioning,
and my heart is shattered into pieces.
I’m not used to being alone, I keep on telling myself that I can’t be alone.
I blamed myself countless times, if only I tried harder. I keep on thinking that my effort was not enough.
I begged, telling everyone around me including himself that I can’t live without him.
but still, he left.
then I realized,
it’s not his presence that I can’t live without.
it’s not him I needed so badly.
but the strength to wake up every morning with any conditions of your heart
the willingness to live even when the world is not like you expected
and the desire of still breathing even when every oxygen you draw into your body felt so tight and painful in your chest
it’s my late realization that it wasn’t even my fault that he left,
and it’s only “me” that I needed so badly.
cause I’ve lost myself a long time ago,
and after this,
I’m not gonna lose it again.
/faux. 00.14. 12.4.2022.
